I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
