You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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