I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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