I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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