We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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