i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
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Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
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I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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