i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
