Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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