I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
