i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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