Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
