he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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