i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
