I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
