I accidentally had phone sex last night
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
