if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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