Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
