i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
