Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
