i permit you to call me
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
