I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
