drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
