I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
