She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
