you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
