she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize