Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
