he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
