Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
