he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
