She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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