I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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