I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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