Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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