I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
