My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
