He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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