The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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