I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
