Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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