The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
