I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
