The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
