Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
