Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
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the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
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i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.