when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse