hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize