Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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