On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
