Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
