i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
