I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
