happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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