god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
This is classic penis vs brain.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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