i need an iv and a liver transplant
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
