Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
