I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
