last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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