It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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