a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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